What Now?

As a member of the first class in the Court’s illustrious history to be named, and subsequently, have an asterisk drawn next to the title we sacrificed so much to obtain, I offer a very earnest and valid question: what now?

I sincerely want to know how to behave in the immediate future, as I am currently sitting in a room full of Intro candidates.

I, like many of my fellow classmates, have benefited immediately from passing five weeks ago. What do I say to my employer who extended new benefits and responsibilities? How do I address myself at the multiple speaking arrangements and wine dinners at venues who are expecting a Master Sommelier? Do I return the gifts I received? How do I recoup the time and money that I used to celebrate with and personally thank others?

I feel embarrassed for all of the people who took time to congratulate me and those who opened once-in-a-lifetime bottles from their cellar. I feel sick for Hawaii, my home, and those who rejoiced with me, because they knew they were responsible for my success and a part of my journey. I feel so stupid and lost; as if the years of preparation and discipline, the stress of performing,  and the jubilation of finally doing so, have been for nothing.

I am not asking for explanations or encouragement or vengeance. I am simply heart broken and in need of advice. What now?